I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
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