Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Randomize
