I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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