my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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