im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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