so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
