made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize
