Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize