Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
