I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
