lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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