Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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