I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
