How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
