She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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