I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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