Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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