Please, let me fuck your mom
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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