If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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