at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
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