if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
The Olympian is in my bed
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
