I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
My balls are so social today.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
