I want you more than these girls want KFC
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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