She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
