Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
