Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize