Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
