Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
pray to the hookup gods
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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