You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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