I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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