The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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