you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
