Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
