I cannot find my penis.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
