real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
