At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
