Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
