why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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