your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
