He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
