Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
