i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
