this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
