I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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