i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
