Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
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