found the other keg... it's in the tree
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
