My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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