Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Randomize
