A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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