my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
