The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
So many bounce houses so little time
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Randomize