My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
