She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
