i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize
