my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
