I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
