and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
