whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
