sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
