I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
